Man Lodge Rules
Note: if you don't like these Man Lodge Rules, write your own!

1. Man Lodge Rule #1 No females allowed in the Man Lodge, except if:
   * Wearing high heels and a skimpy outfit
   * Wearing a skimpy outfit
   * Wearing high heels and short-shorts
   * Wearing short-shorts
   * Wearing high heels and a bikini
   * Wearing a bikini
   * Wearing high heels and panties (optional bra allowed)
   * Wearing panties (optional bra possibly allowed)
   * Wearing high heels and naked
   * Naked
   NOTE: high heels score bonus points
   NOTE: even at the Man Lodge dress pumps look tacky with certain non-party outfits - better to stick with sexy espadrilles instead
2. Man Lodge Rule #2
   Don't talk - do. Don't say "ooh I'm going to take you to a nice lunch" - take a brother to lunch. If you are low on funds, don't say "I'm going to cook you a nice dinner", show up with groceries (see Rule #1)
3. Man Lodge Rule #3
   No excessive PDAs allowed. Possible exception: in the case of lesbian-style PDAs, if the female displayers are truly heterosexual and/or only slightly bi-sexual: this behavior is encouraged
4. Man Lodge Rule #4
   Men at the Man Lodge shall not watch porno together - PPV Naked Pilates is OK, anything stronger than that is forbidden
5. Man Lodge Rule #5
   Except when granted a special exemption, no female visitor to the Man Lodge shall occupy a Man Lodge lounge chair solo (example exemption: female Man Lodge visitor came down with a for-real illness and needs some limited time in a lounge chair with lots of blankets and some Emergency Man Lodge medical treatment/TLC) Note: two females in a lounge chair is sexy up to a certain point - if this point is passed said females may be subject to dismissal - see rule #3
6. Man Lodge Rule #6
   Watch several sporting events and PPV movies each week, preferably with lots of action sequences. No watching chick flicks unless hot chicks are actively co-located within the Man Lodge and are currently enjoying said chick flick.
7. Man Lodge Rule #7
   Listen to loud music several times each week - be sure to have excellent windows and other sound-proofing materials in place in the vicinity of where the sound system is located so as to minimize complaints from neighbors. Periodically listen to the Allman Brothers: "Whipping Post" at an unnaceptably high decibel level.
8. Man Lodge Rule #8
   Some Man Lodge rules have exceptions (but most don't) - the intention of this Man Lodge Rule is to spell out out the spirit of those exceptions. Example: suppose a gal didn't feel safe in the kitchen wearing high heels, out of fear that some object might fall on her foot? Well then in the name of safety, by all means put on some work boots (bikini still required)
9. Man Lodge Rule #9
   No misbehaving while minors are on the premises
10. Man Lodge Rule #10
    All weapons shall be secured while beer drinking is in-progress
11. Man Lodge Rule #11 In general, no usage of Bluetooth cell phone apparatuses. If unavoidable, while wearing a Blueooth headset and actively engaged in a phone conversation, all Man Lodge residents/visitors must have an approved flashing beacon on top of their heads alerting other Man Lodge residents/visitors that a Bluetooth session is in-progress.
12. Man Lodge Rule #12 No cell phone conversations allowed in any of the Man Lodge restrooms. Any female visitor to the Man Lodge wishing to convey in private to her Sisters the dopeness of the Man Lodge (in order to have them come over immediately for some Man Lodge Fun), should instead use the front or back yard.
13. Man Lodge Rule #13 Any man-clothes that require home-laundering on the delicate cycle shall immediately be discarded into the Goodwill donation bin or the trash can.
    NOTE: high-powered executive-type Man Lodge residents who have to do presentations and such are of course allowed to use any and all external dry cleaning outlets as necessary, provided:
    NOTE: DryEl for the home is a good economy measure for freshening up stupid-executive presentation clothes on those items that have already recently been dry-cleaned. The use of DryEl or the like (e.g. dryer sheets) is highly encouraged for any Man Lodge residents on a tight budget.
    

Man Lodge Requirements

1. Great housekeeper
2. Great babysitter
3. Full supply of beer in the refrigerator at all crucial moments
4. Plenty of chips and dip on-hand
5. Refrigerator and pantry better than 50% stocked with gender-friendly foods from all of the seven food groups, especially and including beer
6. At least one grilling/barbecue expert on the premises at all times
7. At least one great cook on-site at all times, including but not limited to the following:
   --Man/Dad short-order cook
   --Female Giada-style cook in high heels and a sexy outfit/short-shorts/bikini/etc - no nudity at the food station - I know you ladies have been following the Hair rule (see below) however as you already know, hygiene is key in the kitchen and in the cat box
   --Southern-style barbecue expert
   --Note: in support of Man Lodge Requirement #5, popcorn is considered a vegetable
8. One or more booming sound systems
9. At least one sound system that can accept musical instrument and/or microphone inputs, for example your friend might want to bring over his electronic drum set
10. One or more killer televisions
11. Plenty of video games such as Wii
12. Pool table, including lots of cue sticks and fresh chalk
13. Two or more computers
14. High-speed Internet connection (stealing wireless from the neighbors does not count)
    
15. Knowledge of how to do laundry, fill and empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, etc
16. Plenty of access to clean towels, hot showers, toilets, high-powered man-style soap, shaving cream and other man-centric cleaning apparatuses
17. Extra toothbrushes in case friends stay over (go to Costco and buy the economy pack, fool)
18. Lots of extra clean blankets and pillows for when the party people are chilling out
19. Six month supply of toilet paper on-hand at all times so as to make female visitors to the Man Lodge feel secure
20. Plenty of first-aid equipment, including: bandages, condoms, Baby Wipes, Q-Tips, alcohol, Viagra/Cialis, etc...
21. Emergency tampon supply (all sizes)
22. One James Bond-style bed per semi-permanent Man Lodge resident: large, firm, secure, well-kept - if you are a big guy, go to Home Depot and get some of those huge lag bolts and bolt it to the floor
23. Lots of comfortable chairs
    
24. Lots of places to sleep, well away from sunlight or other men
    NOTE: Costco online has some nice guest air beds for sale
    
25. A good barbecue and plenty of propane (wood chips for you East Coast guys)
26. Outdoor fireplace and plenty of wood (at least 1/2 cord)
27. At least one outdoor smokeless heater for when female visitors (see Man Lodge Rule #1) are visiting the Man Lodge
28. Plenty of cash on-hand in case you have to phone out for pizza or any other party necessities

Man Lodge Advisories

1. Do not be surprised at what a hungry Man Lodge resident brings home after a foraging trip to Von's (or the like)
2. Girls like questions so be sure to have plenty of non-cheesy and interesting questions queued up in the event of a visit by a Fly Girl to the Man Lodge
3. Female "sleep-over" guests to the Man Lodge shall freely advise their Man Lodge partner of any snoring or olfactory violations such that the offending Man Lodge resident can conclude his beauty sleep on one of the other available sleeping apparatuses - providing of course that the fun continues the next day (after a nice hot shower) - otherwise GTFO.

Man Lodge Benefits

1. While alone in your own bed, all forms of farting are permitted
2. Theoretically no one is yapping non-stop in your ear
3. All chores may be put off until tomorrow
4. There's always something fun going on

Man Lodge Seminars for Men
Occasionally top female advisors visit the Man Lodge to present seminars on topics useful to life at the Man Lodge. Upcoming topics include:

1. "How to completely close a resealable bag so that the freshness does indeed stay locked in"
2. "Learn how to bend at the waist: that pan you thought is lost is really on the bottom shelf"
3. "Don't leave your empty glasses and bottles laying around because Mom is not here to clean them up for you"
4. "House Cleaning 101: you can do it! Don't be a chump"
5. "Incompetence is not attractive and why it makes you look like a dumb-ass"

Man Lodge Seminars for Women
Occasionally female visitors to the Man Lodge are fortunate enough to view seminars on top-secret topics about life at the Man Lodge. Upcoming topics include:

1. "How to properly install a lid on a jar and how this applies to other everyday household chores"
2. "Automotive 101: How to turn onto a cross-street without running into oncoming traffic"
3. "Victoria's Secret catalogue shopping 101: boy shorts are not sexy; this is what we really like"
4. "The Art and Science of disguising beer bottles in your recycle bin with waste cardboard"

JGSO9033

1. Groom, party, exercise, sleep and show good manners like a gay man or a straight woman -- If you are a man ask: "what would a gay boy do?" If you are a woman ask: "what would a straight girl do?" No value judgement here, but stereotypes don't usually arise in a vacuum, and so when it comes to the issues being discussed here, look to the gay male and the straight female. Although this is true, straight people should not be fooled into thinking:
   --Gay men know more than straight men as regards scoring with women, because they don't (how could they?)
   --Gay men know what clothes are sexy on women - they don't
   --Gay women have the inside track on what makes another woman feel good - they don't
   --Gay women aren't pressuring other women to not look so hot out of female solidarity - that's not it at all
   
2. Heffage. Excess heffage, particularly pot-bellies on men and big butts (*), on women, is not recommended. Guys, if you do put on a few extra pounds, make sure your clothes fit properly. The only thing worse than the extra pounds is forgetting to dress around them. (see the Fashion Police for confirmation on this point.)
   NOTE: the ladies, although some of them might be in violation of the heffage requirement, mostly don't seem to have a problem dressing around said heffage - keep up the good work Sisters!
3. Eating garbage. Caloric intake is good - we all need calories. But why eat crap? Eat the good stuff, only not so much. When confronted with the bad stuff, say "no thanks." When confronted with too much of the good stuff - well you're on your own there Holmes!
   DILEMMA: what if my heffage is under full control and I'm out somewhere and I want to eat some garbage?
   ANSWER: if you are a person who can eat whatever they like, hardly work out yet still get buff, get perfect numbers from your yearly blood screening, then fuck everybody! Get a double order of fries and people will just have no idea how life can be so cruel to them and not to you, and you will just laugh and laugh
   DILEMMA: I'm concerned that my metabolism might be to blame for me having too much heffage, but the media and it seems everyone else ridicules that idea
   ANSWER: yo-yo dieting, diet soda, chemicals in food, etc may very well have ruined your metabolism. Don't give up however, once you put down the diet soda and the non-fat milk, your body will start to recover
   For everyone else, as Horace Porter said: "Be moderate in everything, including moderation"
4. Fitness. Engage in some form of serious exercise on a regular basis. (i.e. not "junk" exercise.) Try not to talk about your workout. The people you are telling are either jealous, think you are bragging, or simply don't care (this is especially important at work, where people who don't exercise will assume that you are goofing off instead of working. Not good, particularly if it's your boss who's thinking like this). Exercise is like brushing your teeth - something to do, not talk about. If you feel the need for conversation, try reading a book sometime - then you will have something worth talking about. Men if your upper body is in fantastic condition and looks great, go ahead and work out with no shirt. However in general, a gentleman wears a shirt. Please, no more 50 year-olds jogging in skimpy 80's-style shorts. That's a visual that's way past its time. Actually it never had a time. Gentleman get with the program - there are a lot of fantastic workout shorts for men on sale these days.
   Question: gross middle-aged men somehow find and buy 80s style Dolfin shorts which they wear while "jogging" - why aren't fit women these days wearing butt-cleavage shorts the way they did in years past?
   Update! - in 2009 there is a new work-out suit for women - the pseudo-mini-skirt! God Bless those faggot fashion designers, they finally came up with something that heterosexual men actuallly like.
5. Body Odor. Serious body funk is an unacceptable olfactory violation. Men pay close attention. You may have a problem and don't know it. If when you are in a room you see people with their shirts pulled up around their noses, you have a problem.
   The remedy, and a plan for everyday life:
   • Take a soap shower every morning (use Irish Spring, Dial, etc). I said EVERY MORNING.
   • Use anti-perspirant, NOT deodorant, without fail.
   • Always start your day with a clean shirt, drawers and socks (smell test unacceptable). Pants can go 2, maybe 3 days if you're lucky. As for shirts, don't fall for the trap of thinking that since it was only on your body for a couple of hours then it is OK. It is not OK. Put that sucker in the laundry and get another one.
   • Exercise a lot. Exercising will get the sweat moving which will help get the funk out of you quicker. If you are new to the exercising game, be advised that you might be super-funky for a couple of months. However if you keep moving and sweating and drinking that water, in a few months you will be less funky. However don't be fooled into thinking you've solved the problem if you've got this requirement wired, no no no.
   • If you exercise wait a while before taking your shower or you'll just keep sweating. If you exercise at lunchtime take care you might be coming back to work funky and don't even know it (don't worry your co-workers will be sure to notice it for you).
   Now you should be OK, although in extreme cases you may have to use TSP in your laundry for awhile and/or buy new clothes.

   Note:

   • Trying to mask a shower/laundry/other violation via pefume will only make matters worse - due to perfume's volatility you will only smell funkier
   • Ordinary perfume on a woman who is clean, can sometimes cause a PGC (Perfume Gas Cloud) The volatility is such that the scent of the woman sort of precedes the woman. Of course that happens even without perfume, so ladies: we love the lotions and whatnot but take it easy on the excess perfume!
   • When a stinky guy puts on perfume thinking it will somehow alleviate his not taking a shower, doing his laundry, etc. then you have the FGC which is the Funk-laden Gas Cloud which is the worst of all

   Worst Body Odor Story: I was in a Chinese airport going from Hangzhou to Xian, and this guy who if pressed I would say was "Middle Eastern" was in front of me and this was the most odiferous person I have ever encountered in my life. This guy laid down a gas cloud.....100 meters long? Not sure, didn't want to measure that exactly. At one point he sort of stumbled and backed up into me to the point of contact where I was like "Dude! Ack! You Touched Me!" - After that I started popping off in English, because that's my main language and I needed to warn my fellow travelers. My party and I were freaked that maybe this guy would end up on our plane - thank goodness he didn't! I feel truly sorry for the people on the plane that this guy ended up on. The good news was that at the primary inspection point China doesn't worry about which gender is checking out which gender, so I got a body search for free that would have cost $40 dollars in San Diego (she wouldn't take a tip though).

6. Engineer Dress Code. "Official" shorts season is from Memorial Day to Labor Day, with exceptions made for seasonable Fridays and protracted heat waves.
   If the AC is too cold in your office during shorts season, bring in a heater.
   Be sure to dress up the day after Labor Day. It will freak out anyone who is not wise to the JGSO9033 (they will think you went on a job interview, but really you are just celebrating the arrival of fall and a good excuse to look sharp for the ladies)
   If you are in violation of Fashion Police guidelines stick to long pants year-round.
7. Funk Breath. How do you know when you have it? People hold their hands in front of their face when they are anywhere near you, that's how. Floss and brush your teeth regularly. Kick down the cash for a sonic toothbrush - this is the 21st Century you moron. If you skip a meal, you'd better get a breath mint, fool.
   Here's one mouth hygiene recipe:
   • Floss. This is a quick first floss
   • Rinse.
   • Brush. Minimum 30 seconds each quadrant
   • Rinse.
   • Floss. This is a follow-up heavy-duty floss
   • Rinse.
   • Rinse with mouth wash. Gargle and rinse till past the point that it burns.
   • Optional: occasionally you should use a flashlight to check for lower mouth tartar and if any is present you should use a dental tool for scaling. This will give you that "just visited the dentist" feeling. Be sure to floss afterwards.
   • After flossing/brushing:
   • Antacid. Chew a handful of antacid tablets.
   • Water. Drink a glass of water.
   • Get a breath mint. Kidding! If your mouth is not fresh at this point, go see a doctor.
8. Hair.
   • Keep your hair style within a decade of now. Only wear a mullet if you are rich.
   • Cut your hair on a semi-regular basis.
   • Everybody keep shaving up, except you guys who be shaving legs - what's up with that? Competition swimmers exempted.
   • Do not let your frank and beans start looking like Alfalfa or Buckwheat.
   • Women mostly don't need the shaving reminder - thank you ladies - looking good out there!
   • Hairy-ass men feel free to do something about gorilla neck and back hair, but exercise restraint when it comes to your legs.
   • Losing your hair? Remember, growing hair long on one side and then flipping it over and plastering it on your bald spot looks really bad. If your head has a good shape go for the Capt Picard look - it works for him.
   • Toupee: yes we all know it's a toupee. We are waiting for a strong gust of wind or an EDP (Emotionally Disturbed Person) to set it free.
   • Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid mustaches haven't come back yet (have they?).
   • For men the latest style in facial hair is OK with the provision that you must be able to pass the JGSO9033 music quiz.
   • Nose hair.You could be a Nobel Laureate explaining cold fusion, but if you have one of those three-inch nose hairs sticking out of your nose no one is going to take you seriously. Instead of them thinking how smart you are, they are going to be thinking "Daaammn, look at the length of that baby!". Fingers work the best; just yank them out. Use tweezers as necessary. Ladies, don't fight the feeling when it comes to a man that you care about - reach over and yank those suckers right on out of there. Remember to pull the hairs straight out. If he yells or whines don't give him any - he's a wimp.
9. Fingernails.My grandmother always said that a gentleman should have short, well-trimmed and clean fingernails. She didn't need to elaborate as to why -- do I?
   I shouldn't have to say this, but don't forget the toenails, Frankenstein! Nobody appreciates gorilla toenails raking across their shins!
10. Jewelry/piercing. Piercing is very popular and a lot of people really like it. It has the advantage that it can be worn or not worn and can heal up (usually) in time. Its daringness has been diluted by its ubiquity. If you really want to impress me with how "alternative" you are, try trepanning yourself. Me personally, I'm thinking about cutting one thumb off. Anyway, for piercing, follow these simple guidelines:
    • Men: Torso piercing should be on a chiseled physique. Nothing worse then a nipple ring on a flabby pectoral. Yuk!
    • Women: belly-button rings should be on a flat stomach.
    • You must be able to pass the JGSO9033 music quiz so as to disavow "poseur" status.
    • Men: most of us other guys are not really interested in you or your buddy's pierced units.
    • Nose rings should be booger-free.
11. Tattoos. Tattos are also extremely popular but they have the disadvantage of being hard to remove. Very few rich people have tattoos (is this because they have the money to remove them or they never got them in the first place?). On a recent visit to the dermatologist a peek at the appointment book showed about 80% of the appointments to be tattoo removal. Something to think about if you are contemplating getting one. Some people are determined to get them however, and so there are a couple of guidelines:
    • Some places are worse than others. Smack on the face would be the worst. (OK if you were super-double-butt-ugly and they could tattoo Brad Pitt's face on yours that might be cool.) For women the shoulder blade beats out both the breast or the small of the back (when you're driving your truck it's OK to see the hood emblem but you don't want to see a key scratch on the fender).
    • One "penalty" tattoo allowed. After that the tattoos better be pretty damn good ones. For instance Mike Tyson could have gotten away with just Chairman Mao on one bicep, or Arthur Ashe on one bicep, but when he crossed over to both it got freaky. Putting some other person's face on your body, even an imaginary one is a pretty serious statement. Discretion being the better part of valor the Standards Organization waives its members from any requirements to notify said Heavyweight Prize Fighter of his indiscretions. Especially now that he's gone and tatooed his muh-fukkin face. Damn!
    • If you really must get a tattoo, get the best.
    • If you want Japanese on your body, get a tattoo from a Japanese tattoo artist. Likewise, Chinese, etc etc. It won't look right if you don't.
    • Your tattoo will eventually become a smudge. So you will be needing a fresh ink tune-up somewhere down the road.
    Now some people you gotta love them anyway no matter what the tattoo situation. In that case consider yourself lucky if later on you don't have to pay the dermatologist bill. And if tattoos are your thing, then right now is a good time for you to be alive, because they are everywhere.
12. Breast Augmentation. There is clearly a need for breast enhancement surgery in cases of cancer, accidents, etc. This could be extended to cases where nature was cruel. If it extended so far that every woman on the planet had 42DDD that would be too weird. If you are on the bubble about doing it, it's worth noting that when it's well done it does electrically signal the "stupid" center of the brain in a lot of heterosexual males. It's a personal choice but think long and hard about it first would be my advice.
    Similar to tattoos, with augmentation you will for sure be needing future surgeries - at least one anyway - sometime later in life.
13. Music. Everyone seems to like music. However if it's: 1) the same music you've been listening to since high school, OR 2) music you're listening to because someone told you it was cool, then please refrain from casting apsersions on other's music choices, particularly if theirs is in this century and yours is in the last. To extend this: everyone everywhere please cease casting aspersions on other's music choices starting now.
14. Parking. All automobiles must be parked completely within marked stalls. Owners of new dope rides or cherry restored classics may park in an area away from illin' roach-coaches to avoid dings. Parking your sorry-ass, non-convertible, non-GT, wannabe a sportscar, butt-ugly its-really-a-roach-you-just-haven't-realized-it-yet heap diagonally across two or more spaces is unacceptable. Jockeying for the front space at the mall is frowned upon. Do it if you can pull it off quickly. Making everyone wait for you to get the primo spot is really annoying. Jockeying to park close to the gym/workout spot is insane. (Ever heard of walking?) Don't park your car so close to someone else that they can't open their door.
15. How to look like a dumb-ass while driving
    --Drive down the freeway in the left-hand lane and never move over even if all the other lanes are wide-open. BONUS dumb-ass points: while doing this don't actually drive very fast - now you really look like a dumb-ass
    --Tailgate the shit out of other drivers. BONUS dumb-ass points: do this for no reason whatsoever even if you have all kind of lane options available - now you really look like a dumb-ass
    --Get really drunk and drive your car. BONUS dumb-ass points: get really drunk, drive your car and get super-aggressive and cause some kind of accident - now you really look like a dumb-ass
    --Passive-aggressively race other drivers. BONUS dumb-ass points: as soon as you show the other drivers what time it is, forget what speed you were driving when you "beat" them and slow down - now you really look like a dumb-ass
    --If the road is wide-open, go as fast as possible so you can cluster up with a bunch of other cars into a super-tight tailgating formation. BONUS dumb-ass points: start rapidly changing lanes in a futile attempt to pass the other cars and show them what time it is - now you really look like a dumb-ass
    --Talk on the cell phone while driving. BONUS dumb-ass points: talk on the cell phone AND drink a 5th of Jack Daniels all at the same time. Actually there's no bonus points here: if you talk on a cell phone while driving you look like just as much of a dumb-ass as someone who is driving while drinking a 5th of Jack Daniels, so what's the difference?
    --Buy a really big vehicle but don't know how to parallel park it. BONUS dumb-ass points: after fumbling around holding up traffic trying to parallel park in a perfectly reasonable spot, give up and drive away. SUPER BONUS dumb-ass points: buy a mid-size or compact-size vehicle and pull the same shit. Now you really look like a dumb-ass.
    --While driving down the freeway randomly and for no reason whatsoever step on the brakes. BONUS dumb-ass points: ride your brakes for miles down the freeway for no other reason than you are a dumb-ass. Now you really look like a dumb-ass.
    --When two lanes merge into one, tailgate the shit out of the person in front of you and don't let the asshole who's natural turn it is get in front of you. BONUS dumb-ass points: rear-end the car you were tailgating in order to not let in that other asshole. Now you really look like a dumb-ass.
    --If you realize you are just about to miss your exit, pull some random shit like cutting across three lanes of traffic or suddenly stopping short in the middle of the freeway in order to make it. BONUS dumb-ass points: don't actually make your exit - now you really look like a dumb-ass.
    --If there is a legitimate accident involving the loss of life-and-limb, roll down your windows and scream hysterically at everyone in sight about what a dumb-ass they are for slowing down your commute. BONUS dumb-ass points: while being a little bitch, cause a second accident - now you really look like a dumb-ass.
    --Speed down the freeway at a ridiculous speed. Then if you see an accident or someone getting a speeding ticket, suddenly start doing the speed limit. BONUS dumb-ass points: start doing like 55 - now you really look like a dumb-ass.
    --Get distracted in a parking lot by someone with a really hot body and then back into some other car. Actually that's not being a dumb-ass, that's normal. Being a dumb-ass would be doing that but with no auto insurance. Or just backing into someone's car in the parking lot but with no excuse such as you were distracted by someone with a really hot body - that would be a dumb-ass move.
16. Farting. The occasional prank fart is OK, for example, 1) releasing one and then just at the right moment asking your friend "Do you smell strawberries?", 2) holding your girlfriend's head under the covers and launching one, 3) Planting mega-ton 'cruise missiles' in a co-workers office who has momentarily stepped out. Repetitive farting by one farter to another fartee is disallowed - said farter should instead resort to the 'crop dusting' technique whereby beneficiaries of the stench are selected randomly. Problem farters should consider keeping DiGel/GasX etc. along with some air freshener close at hand.
17. Public Behavior.
    • Singing: 'Bye Bye Miss American Pie' at the Lahaina - disallowed
    • Dancing: if you really can't dance, consider profiling yourself at the bar or pool tables instead.
    • Guys: Hurling rude comments at chicks is unacceptable. Remember, if we all were properly appreciative and complimentary, things would only get better, which would actually aid in our pleasure in the long run. (Women would just keep doing more and more). Just say "Hi" in a friendly kind of fashion. And if she smiles back, remember it's just a smile.
    • Gals: It's tough putting it out there like we guys do, so if a fellow treats you respectfully, please respect him.
    • If you are gay don't tell your hetero friends you are going to put them on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
18. More Driving Standards More tough stuff that should be easy.
    • Stay within the lane boundaries during normal driving (i.e. when not passing).
    • Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
    • If slow-ass grandpa is in the left lane, don't stress, just go around.
    • Do not be someone who beelines to the fast lane and sits there driving 55.
    • Pick your speed, whatever it is, then drive it. Fast enough to pass whomever is in front of you, but once you get there you go back to driving slow, is not a plan, it's a psychosis.
    • If someone wants to pass, GTFO. You are not the Highway Patrol.
    • Don't whine about that speeding ticket, you probably deserved it. 49 in a 35 zone is 40% over the limit So is 91 in a 65. Think about it.
    • If you have religious articles displayed in/on your car, remember that it's not God that makes people run others over - it's the person doing the driving.
    • If you can't handle a little speed through the turns, why are you driving at terrific speeds down the straights?
    • Rather than slowing down to gawk at the CHP giving someone a ticket, and therefore adding to an entirely unnecessary traffic jam, just cruise on by at regular speed while tooting a cheery "Hallo" on your horn.
    • Don't run over pedestrians, bicycles or motorcycles. Note on bicycles: they were here before the car, and they'll be here long after the car is gone. If cyclists seem to think that they are better than cars, well, they are. (Just try riding one and you'll see - your whole attitude changes). Note to cyclists: Riding two abreast on a busy street is unacceptable.
    • Remember, any time you get away with no ticket, no damage, it's a win.
    • If you have road rage issues, get some help.
    • Don't drive drunk or impaired in any way. If your doctor puts a cast on your foot and tells you not to drive, don't drive. It will not be OK if you do.
    • Before you get old plan your exit strategy from driving. You do not want to wind up like the Santa Monica Farmers Market tragedy.
19. Waiting in line. If you are waiting in line, have the damn check written/your ATM card at the ready/know exactly what kind of Almond Mocha Double Frappaccino Latte Americano it is that you want BEFORE you finally get to the front of the line. Don't engage in a lot of chit-chat with the workers. Some asshole trained them to engage in chit-chat with the clients but the rest of us really don't appreciate the hold-up. If you work at one of these places, work or go home. It's 6 in the morning, I don't want to talk about how we are doing this morning - that's why I'm here buying a coffee. Guys who work in the service industry, take note: nothing is more embarrassing than an espresso bar staffed exclusively by heterosexual males. Get it together my hetero brothers!