"Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukah."
"Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
"See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about Jewish people... you take such good care of the hired help."
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
The Madam asks him to be seated and sends a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do! Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two smacks him as hard as she can and runs away!
Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?".
Fred said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars".
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....."SMILING NAKED HILLBILLY FOUND PLASTERED TO FREIGHT TRAIN"
Eventually the construction crew - all gems in the rough - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood", replied the little girl.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden
there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control
pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk
to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a
shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: You son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Uglier: She makes more money than you do.
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist." The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
The theory is that drinking beer is turning men into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old son.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
"Oh, no, Jane will kill me!", Joe says.
Bill says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple hours and get even drunker. Eventually Joe rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself! My God you are disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Joe says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick on me... He'd had one too many and couldn't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill! "
Jane looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is forty dollars!" "Oh yea..." says Joe. "I almost forgot! He shit in my pants too!"
The cactus plants were removed and replaced with small ivy plants. The children were then allowed to take their planters home.
It seemed like a good idea at the time
New Opera at the Met: La Bubba Vita
The Met is scheduled to produce an opera on Bill Clinton next year.
Composed by Giuliani Veritas (in Italian).
Act I.
The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United
States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry
and are trying to find their way back to power.
As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting
with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Bill
Clinton from the Presidency.
The opening chorale "We Must Find a Way" (Creato grandissimo floozy
scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom Delay
sings "Where Will We Find a Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimba).
The House Republicans exit.
Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why
Can't I find a Man?" (Mia schnozola es humongo.) Tom Delay and Newt
Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet
"Why Not Her?" (La flooza perfecta). They meet and take Paula to a small
cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones.
Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier
and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. Delay and Gingrich offer
to help. They sing the aria, "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo e'
rewardo).
Act II.
The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations.
They sing in jubilation "We must Tell the World" (Fono tabloido). The
rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale,
"Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi).
Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go"
(Hypocriti pious crappola). Robertson offers to make time on his
television program to expose the charges. At the House Republicans'
suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Paula Jones scandal becomes
the topic of conversation throughout the country.
The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand
chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola).
Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps.
They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo, la media
soccittuppo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send
charges to the Congress. He sings "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater
non starto, il probo la flooza epidemio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a
reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" as the act ends.
Act III.
Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a
headset. She is singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Io sono la
wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that
she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them
from her and sings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni).
Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness.
In Scene 2 Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers
asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did It Happen?" (Panti
hongo, la flashi). Monica sings the long passionate aria "We Were Meant
for Each Other" (Nonsmoko El Pruducto, Phalli symboglio).
In the third scene, Hilary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom
talking about the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings "I Will Stand
By You" (Tu jercho estupido, io removo tu equippamento). Bill replies
with "She Was the Only One" (Non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimba
forgetta). They embrace.
Act IV.
Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The
chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria "We
Believe in Something" (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a
recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee eslippo). The
great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion
polls showing that the President has a 76% approval rating with the
public with the poignant aria, "What is Right is Not Popular" (Partia
Repubblico Commitini Suicido). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale
"Principles Come First" (Mi adultero non conto).
With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom Delay stand
before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio "How
Can you Not Convict?" (Evidenso multi flimsioso). Finally in a moving
chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings "For the Good of the Nation, We
Must Acquit" (Senatorios non stupido.) After the vote is announced,
Henry Hyde, Tom Delay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate
Chamber singing the grand quartet "We Still Know the Truth" (Wasto multi
millioni) as the act ends.
Epilogue.
The President sings the contrite aria "I am Very Sorry" (Revengo futuro
furioso) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting their questions.
They sing "Who will now Believe us?" (Publicca desgustanta es in media).
Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken
Starr. They sing "It is Still Not Over" (Publishi grande bucchi, dollare
millioni), as the curtain falls.
"Of that there is no manner of doubt,
No probable, possible shadow of doubt,
No possible doubt whatever."
Gilbert & Sullivan, Gondoliers
Name:___________________
Stage name: ____________________
Agent:__________________
Attorney:_______________________
Sex:
___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:_______________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the
news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?:
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
*If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit settlement.
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and once again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair down there again."
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the Captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
"That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should see the back of mine!"
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and to keep it straight. It should be OK by next week."
So he took out his four tongue depressors and formed a neat 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; a truly impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his fiancee. They finally got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room she ripped open her blouse revealing an absolutely gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."
He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!!"
The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Oregonian can't believe his eyes, "What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!"
The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!" The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel."
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title, Do you have another?"
The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.' Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, ...... "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I WROTE IT!"
No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher.
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said "very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1 you have a dirty mind,
2 you didn't read your homework, and
3 one day you will be very, very disappointed."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on
the
side
of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this
huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness,"
says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give
him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a
great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up
and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When
he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "and might I ask how
your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket,
I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once
or twice a week."
Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Naughty Fairy Tale # 1
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree, and holding a Machete to Her
throat,
he said,
"Red, I'm going to screw your brains out.'
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book'
================
Naughty Fairy Tale # 2
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters
whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see
if
he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sand paper wherever
indicated, and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw
Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, 'How's the
girlfriend?' Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?
================
Naughty Fairy Tale # 3
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to
me,
Lie to me'
================
Naughty Fairy Tale# 4
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and
promises to
provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on
two conditions: "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and
goes,
and
Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. '"Your diaphragm
was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago."
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name'"
"I can't remember, exactly," Cinderells replied. "Peter Peter
something
or other....'
===============
Naughty Fairy Tale#5
Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse were in divorce court and the Judge said to
Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't goodb enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Dogbyte
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........
A blond man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart". The 911 operator asks, "is this her first child?" To which the blond replies, "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband".
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly- from the sky - a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from a Thermos, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
she stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" the voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.
One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" said Farmer Jones, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" Farmer Jones said "As a matter of fact I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
One day, a family goes to the circus. Mom, Dad, and son all get their tickets and sit down for the show. Just as the elephants come into the ring, the father goes to get the snacks. Suddenly, the little boy jumps up and down and points at the elephants. 'Mama, Mama, what's that?' he cried. 'That's the elephant's trunk,' she said. 'No, on the other end!' 'That's the tail,' she said. 'Nooo, under that!' Embarassed, she said, 'its nothing,' and tried to draw his attention away. The father returned but had forgotten drinks, so the mother goes to the snack bar. As soon as she left the kid tugged at his father's sleeve. 'Daddy, what's that?' 'The trunk.' 'No, on the other end.' 'The tail, son.' 'Nooo, under that.' 'That's the elephant's penis, son.' The child thought for a second and said, 'But mama just said it was nothing.' 'Well, son, your daddy has your mama pretty spoiled.'
This is a transcript of a National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster, and
US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting!!!
That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a
terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be
teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even
touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to
become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a
prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband
wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance
if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's
is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say,
type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm
sure our baby will be beautiful enough for
commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When
will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes
college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning
sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband
has a big nose, and genes for big noses are
dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well.
Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother
will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear
end, and even my feet have grown. Is there
anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't
been able to go to bed at night without onion
rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often
strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so
moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A. So what's your question, dip-poop?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby
is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your
nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the
end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband
and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-
months pregnant woman and a Playboy
centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband
knows what's good for him.
A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"
The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, " The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchmand cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?" The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra benefits/things left in his bag of creations,
so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away
was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to...please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.
It'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could
write my name in the sand"
On and on he went, Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it and
she really wouldn't mind.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he
was happy, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. "Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. >>"
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If go down, I go down in flames!"
This guy comes running into the house, screaming wildly to his wife: "pack your bags - I've won the Lottery!"
His wife replies excitedly: "Ohmigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The man replies: "it doesn't matter - just pack your bags and get the fuck out!"
A Police Acadamey instructor is interviewing 3 blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that. " He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom
is preparing a meal and says:
"Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this
thumping noise >>> coming out of your bedroom and when I look to
see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down.
"Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says:
"Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back
to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says:
"Mom, you're wasting your time." "Because, once a week, that
nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
A man walks in and kneels down - Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin? Yes. You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father.
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month. The priest thinks to himself, this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners....
Those are your sins? Yes. You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.
The man leaves. Soon another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins - I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months. This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green? Just a woman I know very well. You are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys.
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is... The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation giving the sermon. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Psssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer....